In tense discussions, the language we use often contributes to the tension. If we can transform the statements we make about each other into statements about ourselves, we can eliminate an important source of tension and stress.
hen discussions turn tense, we sometimes offend others unintentionally. Some offenses are very subtle — so subtle that we might be unaware that we've offended our discussion partners, and surprisingly, they might be unaware of it too. If we can avoid these unintentional offenses, discussions might be more relaxed, and we can learn to work together more smoothly.
One class of unintentionally offensive remarks includes statements we make about each other — "you" statements. Often, we're innocently relating our own experiences, judgments and feelings, but we do so in terms of the other person's actions or character. For instance, we say, "You accused me of forgetting that telecon," instead of "I felt accused of forgetting the telecon."
If we change the language we use, we can turn offense into information and tension fadesIf we change the language we use, we can turn offense into information, and tension fades. The basic theme is to change "you" statements into "I" statements. Here are some of the "you" statements that can create trouble.
You're always doing.., you're always saying .., you never do...
Sentences that begin with these phrases sound like blame, and when we blame the people we're talking to, they often feel attacked. Of course, blame is often the goal, but then the problem isn't the language we use — the problem is the blaming. Blaming hurts. Instead of blaming, try expressing your frustration, and the events that led to it, without reference to any particular person.
When you do that, I feel...
This formulation is commonly recommended, and although it's better than many alternatives, we can go further. Try "When I hear that, I feel..." or "Whenever I see that, I feel..." If these alternatives fit, they can be preferable, because they emphasize the statements or actions, rather than the person making or doing them.
I think that you ...
This is a "you" statement in disguise. Transform it first by removing the disguise — the "I think that" part. Then apply the other methods to what's left.
You yourself said that ...
Typically, this is an attempt to "catch" our discussion partner in an inconsistency. The big news is that inconsistency isn't news — everyone is inconsistent, including me. It's only through inconsistency that we can change.
Pointing out inconsistency doesn't work, except in bad drama. It just puts your partner on edge. If all you need is an explanation of the difference between then and now, ask for help or clarification.
Next time you notice tension in a discussion, try "I" statements. Take it easy, though — when we catch ourselves doing something we've decided to stop, we can feel the sting of "should." Recognize the "should," notice its inappropriateness, and look forward to a time when you can celebrate your success in using the new pattern. TopNext Issue
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When we discuss what we care deeply about, and when we differ, the word "but" can lead us into destructive conflict. Such a little word, yet so corrosive. Why? What can we do instead?
Getting home from work is far more than a question of transportation. What can we do to come home totally — to move not only our bodies, but our minds and our spirits from work to home?
Some problems are so difficult or scary that we can't even think about how to face them. Until we can think, action is not a good idea. How can we engage our brains for the really scary problems?
The quality of an organization's culture is the key to high performance. An organization with a blaming culture can't perform at a high level, because its people can't take reasonable risks. How can you tell whether you work in a blaming culture?
When teams share information among themselves, they have their best opportunity to reach peak performance. And when some information is withheld within an elite group, the team faces unique risks.
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hen discussions turn tense, we sometimes offend others unintentionally. Some offenses are very subtle — so subtle that we might be unaware that we've offended our discussion partners, and surprisingly, they might be unaware of it too. If we can avoid these unintentional offenses, discussions might be more relaxed, and we can learn to work together more smoothly.
One class of unintentionally offensive remarks includes statements we make about each other — "you" statements. Often, we're innocently relating our own experiences, judgments and feelings, but we do so in terms of the other person's actions or character. For instance, we say, "You accused me of forgetting that telecon," instead of "I felt accused of forgetting the telecon."
Top 
Next IssueAre you fed up with tense, explosive meetings? Are you or a colleague the target of a bully? Destructive conflict can ruin organizations. But if we believe that all conflict is destructive, and that we can somehow eliminate conflict, or that conflict is an enemy of productivity, then we're in conflict with Conflict itself. Read 101 Tips for Managing Conflict to learn how to make peace with conflict and make it an organizational asset. Order Now!
Corrosive Buts
Totally at Home
When You Can't Even Think About It
Top Ten Signs of a Blaming Culture
See No Evil
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Projects never go quite as planned. We expect that, but we don't expect disaster. How can we get better at spotting disaster when there's still time to prevent it? How to Spot a Troubled Project Before the Trouble Starts is filled with tips for executives, senior managers, managers of project managers, and sponsors of projects in project-oriented organizations. Check it out!
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Are you fed up with tense, explosive meetings? Are you or a colleague targets of a bully? Read 101 Tips for Managing Conflict to learn how to make peace with conflict. Check it out!
Are your projects always late and over budget? Are your project teams plagued by turnover, burnout, and high defect rates? Turn your culture around. Read 52 Tips for Leaders of Project-Oriented Organizations, filled with tips & techniques for organizational leaders. Check it out!
A Tip a Day arrives by email each business day. It's 20 to 30 words at most, and gives you a new perspective on the hassles and rewards of work life. Most tips also contain links to related articles. Free!
Save a bundle and even more important save time! Order the Combo Package and download all 21 ebooks and tips books at once, for one low price of USD 161.95 vs. USD 332.15, a savings of over 51% compared to ordering them separately.
