December 3, 2003	Volume 3, Issue 49
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When We Need a Little Help

by Rick Brenner

Sometimes we get in over our heads — too much work, work we don't understand, or even complex politics. We can ask for help, but we often forget that we can. Even when we remember, we sometimes hold back. Why is asking for help, or remembering that we can ask, so difficult? How can we make it easier?

esigned, Andrew finally tapped on Jane's doorframe. He needed help and he hated needing help, but Jane was the right person to ask. "Andrew. Come in," she said, grabbing her coffee mug and rolling over to her conference table. Nobody had ever seen Jane more than two feet from her coffee mug. "So…" she said.

"Marigold won't make the date," Andrew began, "and I have to tell Emmons in an hour. I remember you had some success with him when Metronome was late, so I thought you could give me some insight."

Jane sipped as she looked at Andrew across the top of her mug. "Sure," she said. "The key is to ask him for help."

Dejected, Andrew sighed.

We sometimes fear
undesirable consequences
so much that we risk
failure rather than
ask for helpAndrew has struggled to ask Jane for help, and now he's learned that he'll have to do it all again with Emmons. Why is asking for help so difficult for so many? Here are three reasons.

Education and training

Although team projects in school are common now, they were rare even ten years ago. Most of us were expected to work independently all through our education. To do otherwise was "cheating." We carry with us a sense that asking for help is a mark of inadequacy.

Deep cultural values

In many cultures, we learn at a young age that individual accomplishment is most prized, especially if it's achieved in opposition to conventional wisdom. Asking for help, we "spoil" any chance of becoming the lone hero we so admire.

Fear of imaginary consequences

We sometimes fear undesirable consequences, especially from those with organizational authority over us. Even when these fears aren't supported by actual data, they can be so strong that we risk failure rather than ask for help.

As leaders, we can do much to encourage help seeking.

Ask for help

When you need help yourself, ask for it. Be open about the request, and be open about having received help.

Be explicit

When you charter an effort, be explicit about your expectations: "I think you have all you'll need for this," or "If you run into any problems I might be able to help with, let me know." Be clear about your own expectations.

Establish and maintain the universal context

Define and clearly communicate your expectations about assistance with load management, resource allocation, or politics. Be consistent. And when asked for the help you've been promising, deliver it.

When we need help, and we delay asking for it, we squander the most important resource that people need to help us address the problem: time. What do you need help with right now? How soon can you ask for it?  Top    Next Issue

Next time: tips for asking for help.

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More articles on Personal, Team, and Organizational Effectiveness:

The Mind Reading Trap

When we think, "Paul doesn't trust me," we could be fooling ourselves into believing that we can read his mind. Unless he has directly expressed his distrust, we're just guessing, and we can reach whatever conclusion we wish, unconstrained by reality. In project management, as anywhere else, that's a recipe for trouble.

Some Costs of COTS

As a way of managing risk, we sometimes steer our organizations towards commercial off-the-shelf (COTS) components, methodologies, designs, and processes. But to gain a competitive edge, we need creative differentiation.

Critical Thinking and Midnight Pizza

When we notice patterns or coincidences, we draw conclusions about things we can't or didn't directly observe. Sometimes the conclusions are right, and sometimes not. When they're not, organizations, careers, and people can suffer. To be right more often, we must master critical thinking.

Email Antics: Part III

Nearly everyone complains that email is a time waster. Yet much of the problem results from our own actions. Here's Part III of a little catalog of things we do that help waste our time.

Who Would You Take With You to Mars?

What makes a great team? What traits do you value in teammates? Project teams can learn a lot from the latest thinking about designing teams for extended space exploration.

See also Personal, Team, and Organizational Effectiveness and Problem Solving and Creativity for more related articles.

Coaching services

I offer email and telephone coaching at both corporate and individual rates. Contact me for details at rbrenner@ChacoCanyon.com or (617) 491-6289, or toll-free in the continental US at (866) 378-5470.

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Public seminars

Person-to-Person Communication for Project Managers

When we talk, listen, send or read emails, read or write memos, or when we leave or listen to voice mail messages, we're communicating person-to-person. And whenever we communicate person-to-person, we risk being misunderstood, offending others, feeling hurt, and being confused. There are so many ways for things to go wrong that we could never learn how to fix all the problems. A more effective approach avoids problems altogether, or at least minimizes their occurrence. In this very interactive program you'll learn a model of inter-personal communications that can help you stay out of the ditch. In those moments of intense involvement, when we're most likely to slip, you'll have a new tool to use to keep things constructive. Read more about this program. Here are some upcoming dates for this program:

• Download to
  your calendarThe Machine Shed, 11151 Hickman Road, Urbandale, IA 50322: February 16, Breakfast Meeting, Central Iowa Chapter of The Project Management Institute. Register now.
   
• Download to
  your calendarThe Hotel Fort Des Moines, 1000 Walnut Street, Des Moines, Iowa 50309: February 16, Lunch Meeting, Central Iowa Chapter of The Project Management Institute. Register now.
   
• Houston, Texas: May 8, Monthly Meeting, Houston Chapter of the Project Management Institute.
   
• Houston, Texas: May 9, Monthly Meeting, Houston Chapter of the Project Management Institute.
   

The Race to the South Pole: The Power of Agile Development

On 14 December 1911, four men led by Roald Amundsen reached the South Pole. Thirty-five days later, Robert F. Scott and four others followed. Amundsen had won the race to the pole. Amundsen's party returned to base on 26 January 1912. Scott's party perished. As historical drama, why this happened is interesting enough. Lessons abound. Among the more important lessons are those that demonstrate the power of the agile approach to project management and product development. Read more about this program. Here's an upcoming date for this program:

• Download to
  your calendarSt. George Banquet Hall, Kitchener, Ontario: March 6, Dinner Meeting, Canada's Technology Triangle Chapter of the Project Management Institute. Register now.
   

Human-Centered Risk Management

Most of us can assess technological risks, but risks related to human behavior tend to resist our best efforts. This session provides a framework for evaluating risks related to the behavior of individuals, teams, organizations and people generally. Human-centered risk differs from technological or market risk, because objective evaluation requires acknowledging personal and organizational limitations and failures. Since some of those limitations and failures might apply to the people assessing the risks, or to their superiors, there's a tendency to deny them or to explain them away. Our approach examines capability, organization, context, risk mitigation, and workplace politics. It has tools for guiding the assessment and management of human-centered risk, and we show how to extend these tools to suit your situation. You'll learn how to identify sources of risk in human behavior; recognize systemic and individual barriers to acknowledging risk; assess the effects of organizational turbulence; determine the risk associated with inappropriate internal risk transfer; estimate the effects of team dysfunction, toxic conflict and turnover; and measure the impact of workplace politics. Read more about this program. Here's an upcoming date for this program:

• Download to
  your calendarMITRE, in Bedford, Massachusetts: March 20, Monthly Meeting, Boston SPIN. Register now.
   

The Race to the South Pole: Ten Lessons for Project Managers

On 14 December 1911, four men led by Roald Amundsen reached the South Pole. Thirty-five days later, Robert F. Scott and four others followed. Amundsen had won the race to the pole. Amundsen's party returned to base on 26 January 1912. Scott's party perished. As historical drama, why this happened is interesting enough, but to project managers, the story is fascinating. Lessons abound. Read more about this program. Here's an upcoming date for this program:

• Columbia, Missouri: May 17, Full-Day Workshop, Mid Missouri Chapter of the Project Management Institute.
   

Project Management in Fluid Environments

Most people now work in environments that can best be characterized as fluid, because they're subject to continual change. We never know what's coming next. In such environments, managing — teams, projects, groups, departments, or the enterprise — often entails moving from surprise to surprise while somehow staying almost on track. It's a nerve-wracking existence. This program provides numerous tools that help project managers who work in fluid environments. Read more about this program. Here's an upcoming date for this program:

• Columbia, Missouri: May 17, Monthly Meeting, Mid Missouri Chapter of the Project Management Institute.
   

The Politics of Meetings for People Who Hate Politics

There's a lot more to running an effective meeting than having the right room, the right equipment, and the right people. With meetings, the whole really is more than the sum of its parts. How the parts interact with each other and with external elements is as important as the parts themselves. And those interactions are the essence of politics for meetings. This program explores techniques for leading meetings that are based on understanding political interactions, and using that knowledge effectively to meet organizational goals. Read more about this program. Here's an upcoming date for this program:

• Rochester, New York: May 24, Professional Development Day, Rochester Chapter of the Project Management Institute.