Most of our interactions at work focus on content, reasonably and calmly. We work together to get things done, most of the time. Even when we hit speed bumps, rumble strips or road humps, we continue to work together — mostly. At other times, we get frazzled, frustrated, angry, manic, incensed, outraged or even murderous. How can we get control sooner and keep control more often?
A practice of self-discipline of some form does help. Some people focus on their breathing. For me, it's a stance I call bemused detachment. It doesn't work every time, but it often helps.
When we work together, bumps, affronts, and insults sometimes happen. And sometimes, they don't happen but we think they did. Either way, we react faster than we know. We judge others and their intentions, and sometimes we feel the urge to extract revenge, or to teach them lessons they haven't asked for.
When we act on these urges, we can create for ourselves new memories to regret. Goodness knows, we don't need any more of those. I already have plenty to regret.
We react not only to what others have said or done, but also to our own interpretations and to the significance we attach to those interpretations. If we can manage to slow down, we're less likely to act on the urge for revenge or the urge to educate.
Bemused detachment gives me a way to ask questions, silently, of myself, which slows me down. I like humor, so I try to ask whacky, somewhat funny questions. For example, when someone is rude to me, I can ask myself, "I wonder who spread the asphalt on his toast this morning?" Or, "Did I remember to remove the bull's-eye from my chest before I walked in here?" Or, "If this guy is trying to get me to lose it, I wonder if that really is the best he can do."
Bemused detachment is a stance of connected curiosity with a dash of fun. Here are two tips for learning to maintain this stance.We react not only to what
others have said or done,
but also to our own
interpretations and to the
significance we attach to
- Practice interpretation
- After some regrettably reactive incidents, practice coming up with interpretations of whatever you reacted to. Find as many interpretations as you can, that have nothing to do with you.
- Observe others' reaction choices
- Observe others reacting, and find interpretations of what they reacted to that were not about them. Since these incidents probably aren't about you, you might be able to discover not-about-them interpretations more easily.
After you practice for a while, you'll notice times when you succeed in adopting a stance of bemused detachment. This is progress, but don't let it go to your head, because you'll surely slip from time to time. When you do slip, you can ask yourself, "If I'm trying to be an idiot, is that really the best I can do?" Top Next Issue
Are you fed up with tense, explosive meetings? Are you or a colleague the target of a bully? Destructive conflict can ruin organizations. But if we believe that all conflict is destructive, and that we can somehow eliminate conflict, or that conflict is an enemy of productivity, then we're in conflict with Conflict itself. Read 101 Tips for Managing Conflict to learn how to make peace with conflict and make it an organizational asset. Order Now!
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More articles on Conflict Management:
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travel — to use email, phone, fax, or something else. They're all bad ideas. Terminating people
in person is not only a gesture of respect. It's good business.
- Hostile Collaborations
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Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout
- Coming August 23: Look Where You Aren't Looking
- Being blindsided by an adverse event could indicate the event's sudden, unexpected development. It can also indicate a failure to anticipate what could have been reasonably anticipated. How can we improve our ability to prepare for adverse events? Available here and by RSS on August 23.
- And on August 30: They Just Don't Understand
- When we cannot resolve an issue in open debate, we sometimes try to explain the obstinacy of others. The explanations we favor can tell us more about ourselves than they do about others. Available here and by RSS on August 30.
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- The Race to the South Pole: Ten Lessons for Project Managers
- On 14 December 1911, four men led by Roald
Amundsen reached the South Pole. Thirty-five days later, Robert F. Scott and four others followed. Amundsen
had won the race to the pole. Amundsen's party returned to base on 26 January 1912. Scott's party perished.
As historical drama, why this happened is interesting enough, but to organizational leaders, business
analysts, project sponsors, and project managers, the story is fascinating. Lessons abound. Read
more about this program. Here are some dates for this program:
- The Westin Virginia Beach Town Center, 4535 Commerce Street,
Virginia Beach, VA 23462: September 13,
Monthly Meeting, Hampton Roads Chapter of the Project Management Institute. Register now.
- CTCPA, 716 Brook Street,
Rocky Hill, CT 06067: September 20,
Full-day Workshop, Southern New England Chapter of the Project Management Institute. Register now.
- The Westin Virginia Beach Town Center, 4535 Commerce Street, Virginia Beach, VA 23462: September 13, Monthly Meeting, Hampton Roads Chapter of the Project Management Institute. Register now.
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speak the same language, geographic dispersion or the presence of employees from multiple enterprises
is often enough to exclude all possibility of high performance. The problem is that we lead, manage,
and support virtual teams in ways that are too much like the way we lead, manage, and support co-located
teams. In this program, Rick Brenner shows you how to change your approach to leading, managing, and
supporting virtual teams to achieve high performance using Simons' Four Spans model of high performance.
Read more about this program. Here's a date for this
- Baci Grill, 134 Berlin
Road, Berlin, CT 06416: September 19,
Monthly Meeting, Southern New England Chapter of the Project Management Institute. Register now.
- Baci Grill, 134 Berlin Road, Berlin, CT 06416: September 19, Monthly Meeting, Southern New England Chapter of the Project Management Institute. Register now.
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