Point Lookout: a free weekly publication of Chaco Canyon Consulting
Volume 5, Issue 12;   March 23, 2005: Can You Hear Me Now?

Can You Hear Me Now?

by

Not feeling heard can feel like an attack, even when there was no attack, and then conversation can quickly turn to war. Here are some tips for hearing your conversation partner and for conveying the message that you actually did hear.

Where does the heat come from when a discussion gets "heated?" Sometimes it seems like spontaneous combustion, but it takes at least two people for either one of them to get hot. You hardly ever see anyone go from peaceful to angry when they're sitting in a room alone. Unless the news is on.

A shouting match

Photo by 05com under CC 2.0 license

Sometimes your contribution to the heat isn't what you did — it's what you did not. When your conversation partner moves toward anger, how can you defuse the situation? A good starting point is to check your own did-nots. And for me, one common did-not is not letting my partner know I've heard.

Much of what we call discussion is actually a sequence of attempts to get the other to acknowledge us. Here are some phrases that suggest that your partner isn't feeling heard, in roughly increasing order of danger. If you hear two or three of these, be warned.

  • That's true, but I was talking about something else…
  • I'm sorry, perhaps I wasn't being clear
  • Let me explain
  • Not quite…
  • Sometimes your contribution
    to the heat isn't what
    you did — it's what
    you did not.
    That's not what I mean (meant)
  • Let me try again
  • It's not that simple…
  • That has nothing to do what I'm talking about
  • That's a separate issue…let's take this one step at a time.
  • What's the problem here? I just explained that.
  • I never said that. What I did say was…
  • (Turning to a third party) Did you understand what I was saying? Am I being clear here? Help me out…
  • Didn't you hear what I just said?
  • Exactly what part of that wasn't clear?

When you notice that your partner doesn't feel heard, what can you do?

Deal with your fear of conversion
If you haven't really been listening, one possible reason is a fear that if you actually listen and understand, your debate partner will convert you. Remind yourself that your beliefs are always your choice. Nobody can convert you against your will.
Stop debating
Debating might not be worth the effort, because until your partner feels heard, listening to you isn't likely to happen.
Offer assurance
Simply assuring your partner that you do hear and understand might be enough. It doesn't necessarily commit you to action (or inaction) of any kind.
Realize that it might not be about you
Most people don't listen well, and they often assume that others don't either. Your mission is to communicate that you've heard, despite this barrier.

Sometimes, in exasperation, your partner will ask outright for acknowledgment that you've heard. Viewing this as questioning your good faith leads to yet more trouble. Instead, view the question as an opportunity to finally prove that you have heard — by proving it. Go to top Top  Next issue: See No Evil  Next Issue

We sometimes speak in indirect terms without realizing we are, and the indirectness itself can make communication difficult. For more on indirectness see "The True Costs of Indirectness," Point Lookout for November 29, 2006.

101 Tips for Managing Conflict Are you fed up with tense, explosive meetings? Are you or a colleague the target of a bully? Destructive conflict can ruin organizations. But if we believe that all conflict is destructive, and that we can somehow eliminate conflict, or that conflict is an enemy of productivity, then we're in conflict with Conflict itself. Read 101 Tips for Managing Conflict to learn how to make peace with conflict and make it an organizational asset. Order Now!

Your comments are welcome

Would you like to see your comments posted here? rbrenwZRjKoHaPTpbKriGner@ChacfRQVWRxiBREothzooCanyon.comSend me your comments by email, or by Web form.

About Point Lookout

Thank you for reading this article. I hope you enjoyed it and found it useful, and that you'll consider recommending it to a friend.

Point Lookout is a free weekly email newsletter. Browse the archive of past issues. Subscribe for free.

Support Point Lookout by joining the Friends of Point Lookout, as an individual or as an organization.

Do you face a complex interpersonal situation? Send it in, anonymously if you like, and I'll give you my two cents.

Related articles

More articles on Emotions at Work:

Hard at WorkThe Tweaking CC
When did you last receive an email message with a "tweaking CC"? Probably yesterday. A tweaking CC is usually a CC to your boss or possibly the entire known universe, designed to create pressure by exposing embarrassing information.
Hula HoopingStay in Your Own Hula Hoop
Do you tend to commit to too many tasks? Are you one who spends too much energy meeting the needs of others — so much that your own needs go unmet? Here's how a hula-hoop can help.
Carrot and stickIrrational Self-Interest
When we try to influence others, especially large groups or entire companies, we sometimes create packages of incentives and disincentives that are intended to affect behavior. These strategies usually assume that people make choices on rational grounds. Is this assumption valid?
Shackleton, Scott and Wilson, of the British Antarctic Expedition 1902The Injured Teammate: II
You're a team lead, and one of the team members is suddenly very ill or has been severely injured. How do you handle it? Here are some suggestions for breaking the news to the team.
The U.S. and Russian delegations meet to negotiate the New Start TreatyFace-Off Negotiations
In difficult face-to-face negotiations — or any face-to-face negotiations — seating arrangements do matter. Here's an exploration of one common seating pattern.

See also Emotions at Work, Conflict Management and Effective Communication at Work for more related articles.

Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout

Raquel Welch (left) and Gilda Radner (right) from a @Cite{Saturday Night Live rehearsal, April 24, 1976Coming December 20: Conceptual Mondegreens
When we disagree about abstractions, such as a problem solution, or a competitor's strategy, the cause can often be misunderstanding the abstraction. That misunderstanding can be a conceptual mondegreen. Available here and by RSS on December 20.
An engineer attending a meeting with 14 other engineersAnd on December 27: On Assigning Responsibility for Creating Trouble
When we assign responsibility for troubles that bedevil us, we often make mistakes. We can be misled by language, stereotypes, and the assumptions we make about others. Available here and by RSS on December 27.

Coaching services

I offer email and telephone coaching at both corporate and individual rates. Contact Rick for details at rbrenTrJvdWzbNQnuKGisner@ChaconyKhNcYrcmUxkGfoCanyon.com or (617) 491-6289, or toll-free in the continental US at (866) 378-5470.

Get the ebook!

Past issues of Point Lookout are available in six ebooks:

Reprinting this article

Are you a writer, editor or publisher on deadline? Are you looking for an article that will get people talking and get compliments flying your way? You can have 500 words in your inbox in one hour. License any article from this Web site. More info

Public seminars

Person-to-Person Communications: Models and Applications
When Person-to-Person Communications: Models and Applicationswe talk, listen, send or read emails, read or write memos, or when we leave or listen to voice mail messages, we're communicating person-to-person. And whenever we communicate person-to-person, we risk being misunderstood, offending others, feeling hurt, and being confused. There are so many ways for things to go wrong that we could never learn how to fix all the problems. A more effective approach avoids problems altogether, or at least minimizes their occurrence. In this very interactive program we'll explain — and show you how to use — a model of inter-personal communications that can help you stay out of the ditch. We'll place particular emphasis on a very tricky situation — expressing your personal power. In those moments of intense involvement, when we're most likely to slip, you'll have a new tool to use to keep things constructive. Read more about this program. Here's a date for this program:

Ten Project Management Fallacies: The Power of Avoiding Hazards
Most Ten Project Management Fallaciesof what we know about managing projects is useful and effective, but some of what we know "just ain't so." Identifying the fallacies of project management reduces risk and enhances your ability to complete projects successfully. Even more important, avoiding these traps can demonstrate the value and power of the project management profession in general, and your personal capabilities in particular. In this program we describe ten of these beliefs. There are almost certainly many more, but these ten are a good start. We'll explore the situations where these fallacies are most likely to expose projects to risk, and suggest techniques for avoiding them. Read more about this program. Here's a date for this program:

The Power Affect: How We Express Our Personal Power
Many The Power Affect: How We Express Personal Powerpeople who possess real organizational power have a characteristic demeanor. It's the way they project their presence. I call this the power affect. Some people — call them power pretenders — adopt the power affect well before they attain significant organizational power. Unfortunately for their colleagues, and for their organizations, power pretenders can attain organizational power out of proportion to their merit or abilities. Understanding the power affect is therefore important for anyone who aims to attain power, or anyone who works with power pretenders. Read more about this program.

Follow Rick

Send email or subscribe to one of my newsletters Follow me at LinkedIn Follow me at Twitter, or share a tweet Follow me at Google+ or share a post Subscribe to RSS feeds Subscribe to RSS feeds
The message of Point Lookout is unique. Help get the message out. Please donate to help keep Point Lookout available for free to everyone.
Technical Debt for Policymakers BlogMy blog, Technical Debt for Policymakers, offers resources, insights, and conversations of interest to policymakers who are concerned with managing technical debt within their organizations. Get the millstone of technical debt off the neck of your organization!
Go For It: Sometimes It's Easier If You RunBad boss, long commute, troubling ethical questions, hateful colleague? Learn what we can do when we love the work but not the job.
101 Tips for Managing ConflictFed up with tense, explosive meetings? Are you the target of a bully? Learn how to make peace with conflict.
101 Tips for Managing ChangeAre you managing a change effort that faces rampant cynicism, passive non-cooperation, or maybe even outright revolt?
101 Tips for Effective MeetingsLearn how to make meetings more productive — and more rare.
Exchange your "personal trade secrets" — the tips, tricks and techniques that make you an ace — with other aces, anonymously. Visit the Library of Personal Trade Secrets.