Conflict: Manage It or Manage Our Response to It?

by Rick Brenner

Conflict, especially unnecessarily hostile conflict, can reduce productivity. But conflict isn't actually good or bad, in itself — what matters is how we respond to it. Here are 12 guidelines for responding to hostile conflict.

am often asked to do work on "conflict management." This is probably a very good thing, because it might mean that organizations are becoming aware that conflict skills need improvement. Conflict, especially unnecessarily hostile conflict, can reduce productivity. If work conflict goes home with you, it can cause sickness, it can harm your family, your friendships, the people you love. So improving conflict skills is something we want to do, something that will not only improve productivity and the quality of our work, but will improve the quality of our lives.

I've long been puzzled about this idea of "conflict management." Getting better at dealing with conflict is a good thing, that's true, but I'm not sure that conflict management is a goal I want for myself. Conflict isn't actually good or bad, in itself — what matters is how we deal with it. If we deal with conflict in ways that produce high blood pressure, anger, hostility, hatred, disgust, unethical behavior, and so on, then it's bad. If we deal with conflict in ways that produce honest debate, healthy competition, clarification, testing of ideas, better results, innovation, and so on, then it's good. Conflict itself isn't bad or good — how we deal with it is.

So, is it conflict we want to manage, or is it our response to conflict that we want to manage? I think it's the latter. I'm very doubtful that it's even desirable to manage conflict. For example, if I'm working in your organization, and I propose a really nutty idea that I'm very certain will work, and I advocate it, and I'm committed to it, and nearly everyone in my work group sees that it's a nutty idea, there will be some conflict. And there isn't much that management or anyone else can do about it. The change that leads to resolution must come from me, because I'm in charge of what I think and feel — my boss isn't. How I get to a more constructive viewpoint is perhaps a question for me and the people around me to work on, but in the end, I'm the one who will move me, and I can only move if I want to move. No one outside me can manage the conflict, because no one outside me can manage how I feel about the issue.

We can't manage conflict. We can only choose our personal response to conflict, and let us hope we choose wisely.

One set of choices we make relates to how we air our differences. When a conflict moves to a stage in which feelings become increasingly hostile, our responses to the conflict threaten our sense of peace and happiness. This in itself is bad enough, but productivity can suffer too. To deal with this problem, it's important to have ways of discussing the conflict itself.

Research by psychologist Howard J. Markman and colleagues at the University of Denver's Center for Marital and Family Studies led to development of some ground rules for discussing emotionally charged issues in the marital context. A report appeared in an article in The Boston Globe in 1990. I've adapted their guidelines to the workplace context, and added a few of my own. When conflict results in intense hostility in your organization, you can use these guidelines to help the participants to move back to dialog.

Here they are:

• Choose a good time of the day
• Choose a good day of the week
• Make an appointment
• Stay focused
• Take turns
• Avoid blaming
• Use "I" statements
• Avoid analogies
• Validate
• Notice your breathing
• Take a break
• Deal with obstacles