January 21, 2004	Volume 4, Issue 3
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Coping with Problems

by Rick Brenner

How we cope with problems is a choice. When we choose our coping style, we help determine our ability to address the problems we face. Of eight styles we can identify, only one is universally constructive, and we rarely use it.

Rosa knew where this was going as well as anybody did — no place she wanted to go. They all sat in silence while Lambert angrily repeated his question: "Just when do you think you'll get this thing back on track?" You didn't cross Lambert when he got like this.

Will sat quietly for a moment, trying to figure out the right answer. He looked at Rosa. "Three weeks maybe?"

Rosa knew that Will knew it was impossible. She shrugged. "We could try," she replied.

Will and Rosa are coping with Lambert's outrageous behavior in the best way they know — they're placating him. Lambert is coping with the bad news he has received in the best way he knows — by blaming.

Of the many models of human coping, I favor one developed by Virginia Satir, and elaborated by others. In one version, the model has eight basic styles, of which only one, congruence, takes into account the three fundamental elements of our reality: the Self, the Other, and the larger Context. Because congruent coping has balanced regard for all three elements, it's best suited for developing a sound response.

Effective coping requires
a balanced perception
of RealityWhen we cope in any other way, we're responding on the basis of a distorted representation of reality. For instance, we might be giving too much weight to ourselves, or too little to the larger context. When we depend on distorted perceptions, we're on the path to trouble.

Learning to identify coping styles is a good first step toward congruence. Here are some of the eight styles, with illustrations of how someone using each style would deal with bad news on a project.

Placating

The whole thing is probably our fault. I hope that the problem goes away, or that someone else solves it.

Blaming

Whatever happened, it's not our fault. It's theirs. To fix it, we'll need more resources, and if we don't get what we need, it will be management's fault.

Loving/Hating

In the Hating form: There you go again, up to your old tricks. In the Loving form: Thank goodness you're around. Whatever you say must be right.

Super-reasonable

We must deliver on time, no matter what it takes — 15-hour days, weekends, whatever. Make it so.

Irrelevant

Let's rearrange the deck chairs.

Congruent

Hmmm, bad news. Let's get some answers: What will it take to correct the problem? Will we need to change the schedule? The budget? Did we miss some early warning signs?

Over the next month or so, problems will surely arise where you work, and people will cope. Categorize the coping styles you observe. The patterns you notice might help you cope congruently more often. That way you'll be coping with the problem, rather than with the problems of your coping.  Top    Next Issue

To read more about organizational coping styles, check out "Organizational Coping Patterns."

For more about managing pressure, see the series that begins with "Managing Pressure: Communications and Expectations," Point Lookout for December 13, 2006.

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Are you fed up with tense, explosive meetings? Are you or a colleague the target of a bully? Destructive conflict can ruin organizations. But if we believe that all conflict is destructive, and that we can somehow eliminate conflict, or that conflict is an enemy of productivity, then we're in conflict with Conflict itself. Read 101 Tips for Managing Conflict to learn how to make peace with conflict and make it an organizational asset. Order Now!

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More articles on Emotions at Work:

The Slippery Slope That Isn't

"If we promote you, we'll have to promote all of them, too." This "slippery-slope" tactic for winning debates works by exploiting our fears. Another in a series about rhetorical tricks that push our buttons.

Appreciations

When we take time to express to others our appreciation for what they do for us, a magical thing happens.

Peek-a-Boo and Leadership

Great leaders know what to say, what not to say, and when to say or not say it, sometimes with stunning effect. Consistently effective leadership requires superior empathy skills. Here are some things to do to improve your empathy skills.

Unintended Consequences

Sometimes, when we solve problems, the solutions create new problems that can be worse than the problems we solve. Why does this happen? How can we limit this effect?

Peace's Pieces

Just as important as keeping the peace with your colleagues is making peace again when it has been broken by strife. Nations have peace treaties. People make up. Here are some tips for making up.

See also Emotions at Work and Problem Solving and Creativity for more related articles.

Coaching services

I offer email and telephone coaching at both corporate and individual rates. Contact me for details at rbrenner@ChacoCanyon.com or (617) 491-6289, or toll-free in the continental US at (866) 378-5470.

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