Most of our interactions at work focus on content, reasonably and calmly. We work together to get things done, most of the time. Even when we hit speed bumps, rumble strips or road humps, we continue to work together — mostly. At other times, we get frazzled, frustrated, angry, manic, incensed, outraged, or even murderous. How can we get control sooner and keep control more often?
A practice of self-discipline of some form does help. Some people focus on their breathing. For me, it's a stance I call bemused detachment. It doesn't work every time, but it often helps.
When we work together, bumps, affronts, and insults sometimes happen. And sometimes, they don't happen but we think they did. Either way, we react faster than we know. We judge others and their intentions, and sometimes we feel the urge to extract revenge, or to teach them lessons they haven't asked for.
When we act on these urges, we can create for ourselves new memories to regret. Goodness knows, we don't need any more of those. I already have plenty to regret.
We react not only to what others have said or done, but also to our own interpretations and to the significance we attach to those interpretations. If we can manage to slow down, we're less likely to act on the urge for revenge or the urge to educate.
Bemused detachment gives me a way to ask questions, silently, of myself, which slows me down. I like humor, so I try to ask whacky, somewhat funny questions. For example, when someone is rude to me, I can ask myself, "I wonder who spread the asphalt on his toast this morning?" Or, "Did I remember to remove the bull's-eye from my chest before I walked in here?" Or, "If this guy is trying to get me to lose it, I wonder if that really is the best he can do."
Bemused detachment is a stance of connected curiosity with a dash of fun. Here are two tips for learning to maintain this stance.We react not only to what
others have said or done,
but also to our own
interpretations and to the
significance we attach to
- Practice interpretation
- After some regrettably reactive incidents, practice coming up with interpretations of whatever you reacted to. Find as many interpretations as you can that have nothing to do with you.
- Observe others' reaction choices
- Observe others reacting, and find interpretations of what they reacted to that were not about them. Since these incidents probably aren't about you, you might be able to discover not-about-them interpretations more easily.
After you practice for a while, you'll notice times when you succeed in adopting a stance of bemused detachment. This is progress, but don't let it go to your head, because you'll surely slip from time to time. When you do slip, you can ask yourself, "If I'm trying to be an idiot, is that really the best I can do?" Top Next Issue
Are you fed up with tense, explosive meetings? Are you or a colleague the target of a bully? Destructive conflict can ruin organizations. But if we believe that all conflict is destructive, and that we can somehow eliminate conflict, or that conflict is an enemy of productivity, then we're in conflict with Conflict itself. Read 101 Tips for Managing Conflict to learn how to make peace with conflict and make it an organizational asset. Order Now!
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More articles on Conflict Management:
- Conflict Haiku
- When tempers flare, or tension fills the air, many of us contribute to the stew, often without realizing
that we do. Here are some haiku that describe some of the many stances we choose that can lead groups
into tangles, or let those tangles persist once they form.
- Hurtful Clichés: II
- Much of our day-to-day conversation consists of harmless clichés: "How goes it?" or
"Nice to meet you." Some other clichés aren't harmless, but they're so common that
we use them without thinking. Here's Part II of a series exploring some of these clichés.
- Discussion Distractions: I
- Meetings could be far more productive, if only we could learn to recognize and prevent the distractions
that lead us off topic and into the woods. Here is Part I of a small catalog of distractions frequently
seen in meetings.
- In workplace politics, some people always seem to be seeking information about others, but they give
very little in return. They're pumpers. What can you do to deal with pumpers?
- Compulsive Talkers at Work: Addiction
- Incessant, unending talking about things that the listener doesn't care about, already knows about,
or can do nothing about is an irritating behavior that harms both talker and listener. What can we do
Forthcoming issues of Point Lookout
- Coming May 23: Narcissistic Behavior at Work: IX
- An arrogant demeanor is widely viewed as a hallmark of the narcissist. But truly narcissistic arrogance is off the charts. It's something beyond the merely annoying arrogance of a sometimes-obnoxious individual. What is narcissistic arrogance and how can we cope with it? Available here and by RSS on May 23.
- And on May 30: Chronic Peer Interrupters: I
- When making contributions to meeting discussions, we're sometimes interrupted. Often, the interruption is beneficial and saves time. But some people constantly interrupt their peers or near peers, disrespectfully, in a pattern that compromises meeting outcomes. How can we deal with chronic peer interrupters? Available here and by RSS on May 30.
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